The Craziest Horror Movies of 2009

   

   2009 have been a much grossed out year in horror movies as far as slasher, supernatural, and even horror-comedy go. Yes, we can agree that we had more than enough sequels and remakes this year to make up a whole new chapter in Revelations. (Not a fan of sequels or remakes but I do love a remake with a little twist). Nonetheless, we have been graced with at least three in each of these sub-categories to enjoy from. From supernatural or sci-fi, we had a tons of remakes but there's one out of the bunch I thought was pretty damn original, with only one or two characters if you want to count Gerty the robot, it was a thriller with the title name of Moon but I feel it's mostly sci-fi so, my other pick for supernatural would be Paranormal Activity, for Horror-comedy, I think there were two of them I thought were great, but Drag me to Hell pretty much did it for me, the plot was extremely unique, I haven't seen anything that hilarious since Evil Dead, lastly, as far as Slasher Movies go, I would have to stick with A Perfect Gateway because it blew my mind! I loved the way it fucked with my mind up until the very end. So without further ado, I would like to present to you all the thirteen craziest horror movies of 2009. Click on the mini posters to own your copy today!

 

XIII

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Written by: Diablo Cody

Directed by: Karyn Kusama

Tagline: "He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his." JC

Jennifer Check played by Megan Fox was already a seductive, outgoing, conceited cheerleader who was friend with a nerdy, bookworm, introverted girl named ironically Needy(Amanda Seyfried). Unfortunately, after a fire at a local bar, Jennifer became ten times more irresistible to the boys in her high school where she finds an insatiable need to feed on them. It's up to Needy, to stop Jennifer before she can get to Needy's own boyfriend. 

Let's not kid ourselves, Jennifer was already a mean, arrogant, slutty girl who gave the word evil a whole new meaning as she got possessed by this demon, which she probably aroused with her lifestyle to the point it wanted to be one with her. The ending is somewhat predictable but I would recommend this movie for the lesbian scenes and Jennifer's rowdy mouth.

 

 

XII

Moon (2009)

Written by: Duncan Jones, Nathan Parker

Directed by: Duncan Jones 

Tagline: "The Last Place you would ever expect to find yourself."

Sam Bell played by Sam Rockwell is an employee of Lunar Industries who is responsible to mine Helium-3 from the moon and send back on Earth to help reverse the energy crisis there. But Sam is almost through with his three year contract with Lunar Industries. This job has taken a toll on him, as he has been able to see his family only through bad video teleconferencing, and he has not been interacting with humans for almost three years now.

As it turns out, while out on the moon oneday, inspecting one of the helium harvesters, his vehicle crashes to only regain consciousness facing a younger version of himself back in the base. But is he seeing things or is the truth more complicated than he might have anticipated? This movie is very original, it's packed with suspense and thought-provoking scenes. I recommend it to all my horror movie fans!

 

 

 

 

XI

The Uninvited (2009)

Written by: Carlo Bernard et al.

Directed by: Charles Guard, Thomas Guard

Tagline: "Finish what you started." DR. S. 

 Based on the widely popular Korean movie "A Tale of two Sisters", this premise is very engaging with a very deep plot and an altered ending from the former movie. Anna played by Emily Browning is returning home from a mental institution after her mother's passing.

When she gets home she finds her father is actually living with her mother's nurse Rachael (Elizabeth Banks), her sister and best friend Alex (Arielle Kiebel) is overtly against their relationship but their father seems spellbound by Rachael and doesn't notice a thing.

After a very sinister dream about her mother, Anna is convinced that Rachael has a dark secret that she, along with her sister Alex, will not take long to uncover. Are some secrets better to keep locked away? That's a lesson Anna will soon learn.

I loved this movie because of the twists at the end, yes, I said twists, it will keep you on the edge of your seats with the suspense and the wet-crawling ghosts.

 

 

X

The Last House on the Left (2009)

Written by: Adam Alleca, Carl Ellsworth

Directed by: Dennis LLiadis

Tagline: "If bad people hurt someone you love, how far would you go to hurt them back?"

Okay my sister hated and loved this movie frankly I think I know why. It did not end like the first movie which made me mad at first but I finished by liking this version's ending better and you can see why too. 

Two friends are in town, strolling the streets and one of the friends, the bad ass one, goes up to a boy and asks him for some pot. Before they knew it, they were way over their heads.

Spoiler alert: They get raped over, and over and more... you have to watch this movie to see the grand finale, I am not going to spoil it for anyone. I will recommend it hands down, because there is a life lesson in it, if you don't think so, let me tell you then, watch who your kids hang out with, because in Mari's case she would have never been out asking some random dude for pot, let alone smoking it, if it wasn't for her reckless friend.

 

 

 

IX

The Unborn (2009)

Written by: David S. Goyer

Directed by: David S. Goyer 

Tagline: "It wants to be born now."

Odette Yustman plays a young woman who is slowly getting possessed by an evil spirit. What's even worse, it's taking the form of her long dead twin brother, whom she had no idea even existed but is now haunting her day and night.

She has to fight this sinister being by whatever means possible even if that means getting exorcised. I liked "The Unborn" for two reasons, the eye color changing effect and the face/shape shifting dog, that was so rad! You never know you may like it for the suspense, the underwear scene, the crazy s**t yourself scenes, or just for Odette herself. Anyway, enjoy!

 

 

 

VIII

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

Written by: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith

Directed by: Patrick Lussier

Tagline: "He's gonna break your heart."

Tom Hanniger is the son of the owner of Hanniger Mines, he caused a collapse in the mine one Valentine's day, and one of the miners, Harry Warden, ended up killing five of his fellow miners in order to save up enough oxygen for him to breath. Evidence on the crime scene confirms that Harry killed off his co-workers so he can survive.

Nonetheless, Harry Warden is rescued from the debris but unable to tell anyone what he has done because he is in a coma, so he gets hospitalized and wakes up exactly a year after the mine incident, on Valentine's day, and kills off twenty two people staff and patients included, and sets out for the mine.

Meanwhile at the mine, there is a senior high school party underway, and Tom (Jensen Ackles) is accompanied by his girlfriend (Jamie King), Axel (Kerr Smith) and his girlfriend (Betsy Rue). So once they get into the mine they start to see dead bodies, and they get attacked by Harry Warden aka the miner. Axel, his girlfriend and Tom's girlfriend manage to get away from the miner but Tom.

They leave him behind and drive off only to get rescued by the sheriff and his deputy sheriff. If only things could just go back to normal after this ordeal well you should know by now how shit goes in a Slasher movie,from bad to worse. I recommend this movie to you all, I loved the 3-D interaction, I felt the axe was pointed at me most of the time, I felt like I was a part of the movie, and the kills were very original, over the top gruesome.

 

 

 

 VII

Deadgirl (2009)

Written by: Trent Haaga 

Directed by: Marcel Sarmiento, Gadi Harel

Tagline: "You Never Forget your First Time." 

 Jt and Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) are two misfit teenagers who decide to skip school oneday to go on a scavanger hunt. Anyway, that is pretty much what happened, they find themselves lost by an abandonned hospital, they get curious and go inside to check it out, they hear a loud thump, and a dog comes chasing after them, so they run into another section of the hospital in the basement and they find a naked girl chained down to a table with a plastic bag over her.

So, what are two virgin boys to do with a site like this? Pretty much take advantage of the situation. Well this movie is very misogynistic, some scenes are so raw, and so perversed that you would wonder if you are watching Hostel meets Irreversible. All in all, you will learn a very powerful lesson from this movie. I would recommend it to everyone not just horror fans.

 

 

 

VI

Shuttle (2009)

Written by: Edward Anderson

Directed by: Edward Anderson

Tagline: "Never Ride with a Stranger."

Mel (Peyton List) and Jules (Cameron Goodman) are two good friends returning home to LA from a vacation in Mexico, they meet two guys at the airport Matt and Seth while waiting for their baggage. As they are trying to get a shuttle from the airport to go home, they are offered a cheaper bus ride home than the other usual shuttles so they take it and are accompanied by Matt and Seth, at first the bus driver didn't want the men to ride on his bus but after Mel and Jules convinced him that they were with them, he let them on.

While boarding the bus, they noticed a very awkward looking man already seated, whose name they find out later on was Andy. Everything seemed fine up until a car runs the bus off the road and things got from bad to OMG there's no way this could happen worse! I loved this movie because it was very different from the other movies this year, it touched on a very real ongoing issue.

The beginning of "Shuttle" might have looked a little bit copied from that one movie, but the ending definitely sets this movie apart from any other movie in this genre. I know it was in theaters last year, but it was released on DVD this year, so I count it as a release of 2009. Shuttle was real, it could happen to the best of us. If you want something new and original this year, watch Shuttle! 

 

 

V

Carriers (2009)

Written by: Alex Pastor, David Pastor

Directed by: Alex Pastor, David Pastor

Tagline: "You are your worst enemy."

Product Details

Four friends, Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci), his brother Brian (Chris Pine) his girlfriend Bobby (Piper Perabo) and Danny's friend Kate (Emily Vancamp), are driving across the desert fleeing a viral epidemic that is determined to infiltrate in every humans to ultimately turning them to something worst than death itself.

Those four friends will be faced with moral and physical adversities on the road, but more so there are five rules to follow in order to avoid the infection, if they abide by those rules they should be safe and virus free, but if their humane side take over and find themselves not following the rules, life as they knew it will be over.

You gotta watch this movie to see what they did and what happens to you once you contract the virus, and what they do to you once you get infected! You probably would have done the same thing too. You would never know unless you watch it today.

 

 

IV

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Written by: Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Tagline: "You shamed me." Sylvia Ganush

 

First off, it's a Sam Raimi production, it gotta be funny. This movie had me laughing days after I watched it. I loved every bit of it, I read some critics online thought this movie was not up to the par, they had more expectations from the movie, you know what I would say to these critics, they are full of it.

This movie had the scare, had the no fucking way this is possible scenes, had the right actors, had the best special effects, had the best dialogues, had the most unbelievable plot but still plausible, had the best scene sequences, had me pissing my pants from laughing so hard. Needless to say, I was very pleased with this movie, especially the car scene, the seance scene with the goat. Loved it!

 

 

III

Zombieland (2009) 

Written by: Paul Wernick, Rhett Reese

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Tagline: "When Tallahassee gets going, he sets the standard for not to be fucked with". Columbus

 In Zombieland Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) Wichita (Emma Stone) (yeah by the way, I just noticed they all have cities' names), they all set out on the road to go to LA to Disneyland (so nicely?) requested by the sisters in this post zombie apocalypse.

Columbus is this overly cautious, geeky boy who has his own handbook on how to survive in a zombie infested world who crosses paths with Tallahassee and become inseparable; Tallahassee just plays the tough guy who will kill anything that moves in slow or fast motion; the two girls are two sisters who hijacked both Tallahassee and Columbus, they are a bit annoying but funny they do partake in the killings as well.

Once they get to Disneyland the fun in killing zombies amped up considerably (with the rides and all?). I will recommend this movie because it's a very good horror-comedy with an extra side of in your face comedy. You will love the gorefest as much as you will love the grossed out jokes (oh, there's a cameo that you will die to see), and the whole post zombie apocalypse theme. Either you're one of the zombies, or you're one of the butt kicking, head smaching zombie killers. Know your role!

 

 

 

 II

A Perfect Gateway (2009) 

Written by: David Twohy

Directed by: David Twohy

Tagline: "I can't die."

A Perfect Getaway (Unrated Director's Cut) [Blu-ray]

This movie is a gem; it's one of the best slashers of this year. I mean you start watching this movie, you are thinking this movie is a little dull, because they take so long to get you to know the characters and after the first 45 minutes, this movie changes gear and before you know it, it's going full speed, and then you get to an abrupt stop, you don't even know what hit you, but a bus comes out of nowhere and starts pushing you off the road at 120mph for over 40 minutes.

That's how I felt while watching this movie, I was in disbelief, when I finally figured it out, and I was just so amazed to see that I got fucked so hard in my mind, that I didn't know who to boo and who to cheer for. 

 

 

I

 Paranormal Activity (2009)

Written by: Oren Peli

Directed by: Oren Peli

Tagline: "What happens when you are asleep."

Product Details

Micah and Katie are a young couple who is "engaged to be engaged" living together in a two story tract surburban home in San Diego, California. Micah is a day-trader and Katie is a student, she is convinced that she is being haunted by a demonic spirit since she was a little girl, and she suggest that the spirit has followed her in their home.

As a result, Micah buys a video camera and places it across their bed in the bedroom, in an attempt to record what happens when they are asleep at night. They also meet up with a medium in the house who told them that indeed the house was being haunted by this demonic entity that feeds off negative energy. This medium refers them to another one who specializes in exorcism named Dr. Abrams. Micah is immediately against the idea to bring Dr. Abrams into their home, since he thinks he can resolve the hauntings by doing research and applying them accordingly.

Thusly, Katie disagrees with Micah as she is well aware of the level of Evilness they are truly dealing with. But Micah remains stubborn that he can get rid of this Entity lurking in their homes (shall we say: "Alpha male ego"?). Thusly, they start fighting over their disagreement almost on a daily basis and the stronger the paranormal activity in their house gets. The question remains: "Should Micah fear the house or Katie more?" I recommend this horror videomentary to all; it reminds me of "The Blair Witch Project" with a bigger twist. It scared me and my best friend Bobbi silly. It was very realistic!

If only I had told him about my past...

 

 

 

Feedback welcomed TBHMMANIACS!

 

 

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